who ordered the deus ex machina?

i had my blog fumigated for spam bots. and yes, i f-ed the exterminator like some sort of tacky low budget titty flick. so stop asking. call me a seventh day hedonist but i leave no trope of pornography unturned.
so big news. today I found out I’m a space-time worm. so I went online to find out how this changes things. turns out it changes everything metaphysically, but nothing reeeally.
did you hear, lisa frank is going to illustrate the diary of anne frank!

notice of hiatus

i've been spammed. i'm going to retreat to a fallout shelter until the situation up here clears up. i'm sorry. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. but that spambot pushed me to my limits, what with impersonating my dead sister, etc. i love you all dearly. if you see an opportunity for revolution during my subterranean hiatus, don't hesitate to start without me.

hoop 'n stick: back with a vengeance

bad news blogrades. as i was enthusiastically running laps around the sleeping quarters with my brand new hoop 'n stick I managed to tangle my leg up in the hoop of the hoop 'n stick and, in a fit of arrogance and unaware of my dangerously entwined appendage, started to grapevine toward the galley, resulting in the fracture of my tibia. the captain started making 'told you so' faces at me and i got pissed so i told everyone how he had a wet dream in the hypersleep chamber. so he started crying and i told him i was sorry then i took it back because he wasnt thankful enough for the apology. wow this day got bad fats. fast. ha ha that comical mispelling just made it a little better.

hoop 'n stick

big news blogrades. since we don't have a tv on the space shuttle I had ground control ship me a hoop 'n stick. I can't stop playing with it!

that's sort of what it looks like except that i painted it black and superglued metal spikes to it. I'm saving up for a ball 'n cup.
how come sometimes your burps smell like farts but your farts never smell like burps?

i just found out that my blogger profile has only been viewed three times. i made sure to sign out and view it seven more times so im at least double digits. its really addicting i might do it a few more times. now. then a few more before i go to bed.

JAKEYYYYYYY

I thought I saw jakeys ghost last night but it was just an escaped convict masturbating outside my window. phew!

abortion is just preemptive euthanasia

I promised myself when I got this blog I wouldn't be that guy that only posts apologies and excuses for not posting. but I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. my parakeet died. jakey. It hit me pretty hard. I thought I was impervious to pathos until this fucking parakeet comes along and gets right under my skin and won't leave even after my better sensibilities begged him to. everyday i wake up and i listen to a tape of 'the seven habits of highly effective people' backwards and it sounds like robots telling me to kill myself. jakey if your soul has entered the blogosphere, as i assume it will, chirp three times, in that cute little way you used to when i was force feeding you drugs cause my parents were out of town and i wanted to impress the popular kids with my reckless abandon. Well, I've got to be on my way, I'm knee deep in a queer read of the Epic of Gilgamesh. fuck fuck, I always promised myself I wouldn't be the kind of person that ends every blog with some mediocre justification of their departure. FUCK FUCK FUK CRAP CRAP JAKEEEEEYYYYYYY crap shit. here's a picture of the mausoleum i erected for jakey. you cant tell in the picture but it has a jet propulsion system and is currently orbiting saturn.