pomp and happenstance

So I caught the captain picking a wedgie today. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal. Our space suits are bulky and unaccommodating, not to mention the weak gravitational field really encourages our attire into previously uncharted crevices. But he’s my boss. And I don’t think I can respect him now that I know he’s dipping into our precious water supply to scrub shit stains out of his space suit. He came up to me and Leonid in the Spacecade (we were playing Mortal Kombat and I was winning so Leonid pretended like the International Space Station had just hit some turbulence and caused him to fall onto the reset button which was total bullshit so shit got real bareknuckle and then I took out this swiss army laser my dad got me when I moved into a bad part of the kupier belt and I was chasing him around the rec room and telling him he was about to undergo a phase change from living to dead, so yeah it was getting ugly) and the captain walks in with one of his trademark What’s Going On In Here You Two faces and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take him seriously. He threatened to take away my 4 o’clock snack privileges, and I told him to wag his finger all he wanted but we both knew where it had been.

Hey guys look what I learned how to do!

this is a hyperlink!

I bet some day travel (both space and time) will be as simple as clicking hyperlinks, huh, guys, huh? Oh and remember to overthrow the government, because I’ll be back in a couple light years and if I find out you guys are still practicing the same old oligopoly marauding as a representative democracy, I’m gonna do a whole lot of passive aggressive blogging.

What Happens Here, Stays Here

Alright.
I'm not proud of it, but one of the cosmonauts, pardon me Russian Astronauts (to be politically correct) invited me to go stay at a new Steve Wynn casino resort in a Black Hole this weekend and let's just say I hope their slogan is right because I did a couple things I'd really like to get lost in a vortex of infinite density and space-time curvature.
Ugh.
You have no idea what the absence of physical laws will do to a girls moral reservations.

Europans are so weird srrrrrrrrsly!

So I stay at this hostel on Europa (hostels on Jupiter - - - so expensive!) and I go to use the bathroom (communal, blech) and part of the complimentary pack of toiletries they had, in addition to all the usual suspects, a little tube labeled 'Shampubes'. Ewwww!!! Europans wash their pubes! People from different planets are so wrrrrrd.

Good News Party Peepholes!

I've been elected to be part of GQ's "10 Hottest Women Orbiting Space" !!!
Since there's only three of us, I'll be #'s 2, 6, 9, and 10!
Goddamn Svetlana Gorbachev is #1. Just because she's Russian! I'm sure of it! I'm thinking of maiming her face and blaming it on a "freak space accident" but I think management is getting a little suspicious about how many "freak space accidents" I've been reporting as of late.

another day another child support bill

so I discovered a minor planet the other day and no one seems to give a shit. i sent a letter to my alumni association and told them to include it in the alumni newsletter and katie mcbride sends me an email back saying 'we'll see what we can do'. lo and behold, i get my autumn 2007 alumni newsletter and there's a three page spread about how marjorie jacobson six year old daughter was on Ellen because she memorized the facial hair of every american president but not a single mention of my name. my mom interrupted me in the middle of telling her to tell me she just got a camera phone then itemize every picture she's taken so far on it. if anyone out there cares, i named it steve mcqueen, it has a hydrogen-rich atmosphere, and it was discovered by me. f u all.

safari has unexpectedly quit

so safari unexpectedly quit and it's one of those days where i don't feel like taking shit so i submit an error repoort like a real caustic reproach like shit got pretty personal how could it not with so many egos involved? so i get an email from safari@mac.com and the subject is, get this, 'we are through' and the whole email is just 'how could you do this to me' 'you've changed since you moved to space' 'i hope firefox is ready for all the freaky porn you searched for in my browser' 'seriously pregnant siamese twins on pregnant siamese twins goes beyond fetish' 'like i don't know how a fetish becomes a perversion maybe a schoolhouse rock video would elaborate upon that process but regardless thats perverse' 'tell your mom i say hi.'
so everyone just know, safari has unexpectedly quit on me for the last time. and if safari tells you it was mutual its not.
also, i started building ammunition from my space food at lunch for the revolution. the dehydrated molotov cocktaail has done pretty well in field tests.

Jury Duty

Alright blogrades,
I recently experienced a tremendous blow to my personal blow to my liberty and pursuit of happiness.
I was summoned for intergalactic jury duty! Ugggghghghghghghggggggwhymenotnowanytimebutnowiwishiknewajudgeorsomeoneimportantwhocouldbailmeoutofthishellhellhellhellhelllllll
So I show up and a public defense attorney from a bad part of the Eagle Nebula (don't believe the hubble telescope, pillars of creation may look gorgeous but that nebula is fucking ghetto. seriously i know this girl who honeymooned there and her and her husband got mugged and some spaceman was dealing supernova remnants cut with robotussin out of the hotel room next to them.)
So yeah I show up and this public defense attorney calls my number and he starts trying to feel me out to see if I'm prejudice against red dwarfs or white giants and I'm trying my best to come across that way you know just regurgitating old stereotypes and slurs I learned from my grandmother. pretty much a lot of 'red giants? they're a lot of cunt chasers with with more TTD's (telepathically transmitted diseases) than a whore's premie' and 'i haven't seen a white dwarf since i stopped buying my home electronics from the back of some wharvie's '86 chevy comet-hopper'.
And how's this for dramatic irony/poetic justice/insert literary device here: they picked me.
Which means please direct all care packages to the Imperial Inn and Suites: Eagle Nebula. Aw fuck this. Crap.
In other news, I am more reved up for revolution than evs.