e.e. cumming all over your titties

Big Bloggin'

2008-06-25T11:18:00.000-07:00

Well, blogrades, it appears I've been bitchslapped by the very hand that once pulled me from the wreckage of an economic system that rewards exploitation and views human beings as capital. Yes, it appears I have yet another Goliath to add to my list of oppressors. The Blogging Industry has been made aware of my existence and they don't like the smell of my url.

I received this message today, in what at first appeared to be a magazine subscription insert that fell out of my Lego Lovers weekly.

Dear Ms. Needles,
Welcome to the wonderful world of Bloggin'! We're all so impressed with your work! One thing, real quick, cut the dissent. Look, we all hold the Right to Free Speech near and dear, I mean we're Bloggers! Just like you! The only differnece is we realize that you don't blog about the hand that RSS Feeds you. Catch our drift? So as much as we love your unique style and playful irreverence [we do! you're in space! we get it! ha!] this populist didacticism has gotta go the way or geocities, or we've got a 404 error: page not found with your name on it. Keep up the good, pro-bloggin' work!
Love always,
The Blogging Industry

I may be a humble girl from outerspace and the future, but I know when I'm being threatened by the Titans of Big Bloggin'.

pomp and happenstance

2008-06-06T13:22:00.000-07:00

So I caught the captain picking a wedgie today. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal. Our space suits are bulky and unaccommodating, not to mention the weak gravitational field really encourages our attire into previously uncharted crevices. But he’s my boss. And I don’t think I can respect him now that I know he’s dipping into our precious water supply to scrub shit stains out of his space suit. He came up to me and Leonid in the Spacecade (we were playing Mortal Kombat and I was winning so Leonid pretended like the International Space Station had just hit some turbulence and caused him to fall onto the reset button which was total bullshit so shit got real bareknuckle and then I took out this swiss army laser my dad got me when I moved into a bad part of the kupier belt and I was chasing him around the rec room and telling him he was about to undergo a phase change from living to dead, so yeah it was getting ugly) and the captain walks in with one of his trademark What’s Going On In Here You Two faces and I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take him seriously. He threatened to take away my 4 o’clock snack privileges, and I told him to wag his finger all he wanted but we both knew where it had been.

Hey guys look what I learned how to do!

this is a hyperlink!

I bet some day travel (both space and time) will be as simple as clicking hyperlinks, huh, guys, huh? Oh and remember to overthrow the government, because I’ll be back in a couple light years and if I find out you guys are still practicing the same old oligopoly marauding as a representative democracy, I’m gonna do a whole lot of passive aggressive blogging.

What Happens Here, Stays Here

2008-02-26T12:42:00.000-08:00

Alright.
I'm not proud of it, but one of the cosmonauts, pardon me Russian Astronauts (to be politically correct) invited me to go stay at a new Steve Wynn casino resort in a Black Hole this weekend and let's just say I hope their slogan is right because I did a couple things I'd really like to get lost in a vortex of infinite density and space-time curvature.
Ugh.
You have no idea what the absence of physical laws will do to a girls moral reservations.

Europans are so weird srrrrrrrrsly!

2008-01-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

So I stay at this hostel on Europa (hostels on Jupiter - - - so expensive!) and I go to use the bathroom (communal, blech) and part of the complimentary pack of toiletries they had, in addition to all the usual suspects, a little tube labeled 'Shampubes'. Ewwww!!! Europans wash their pubes! People from different planets are so wrrrrrd.

Good News Party Peepholes!

2007-11-29T10:52:00.000-08:00

I've been elected to be part of GQ's "10 Hottest Women Orbiting Space" !!!
Since there's only three of us, I'll be #'s 2, 6, 9, and 10!
Goddamn Svetlana Gorbachev is #1. Just because she's Russian! I'm sure of it! I'm thinking of maiming her face and blaming it on a "freak space accident" but I think management is getting a little suspicious about how many "freak space accidents" I've been reporting as of late.

another day another child support bill

2007-10-29T13:08:00.000-07:00

so I discovered a minor planet the other day and no one seems to give a shit. i sent a letter to my alumni association and told them to include it in the alumni newsletter and katie mcbride sends me an email back saying 'we'll see what we can do'. lo and behold, i get my autumn 2007 alumni newsletter and there's a three page spread about how marjorie jacobson six year old daughter was on Ellen because she memorized the facial hair of every american president but not a single mention of my name. my mom interrupted me in the middle of telling her to tell me she just got a camera phone then itemize every picture she's taken so far on it. if anyone out there cares, i named it steve mcqueen, it has a hydrogen-rich atmosphere, and it was discovered by me. f u all.

safari has unexpectedly quit

2007-10-11T07:55:00.000-07:00

so safari unexpectedly quit and it's one of those days where i don't feel like taking shit so i submit an error repoort like a real caustic reproach like shit got pretty personal how could it not with so many egos involved? so i get an email from safari@mac.com and the subject is, get this, 'we are through' and the whole email is just 'how could you do this to me' 'you've changed since you moved to space' 'i hope firefox is ready for all the freaky porn you searched for in my browser' 'seriously pregnant siamese twins on pregnant siamese twins goes beyond fetish' 'like i don't know how a fetish becomes a perversion maybe a schoolhouse rock video would elaborate upon that process but regardless thats perverse' 'tell your mom i say hi.'
so everyone just know, safari has unexpectedly quit on me for the last time. and if safari tells you it was mutual its not.
also, i started building ammunition from my space food at lunch for the revolution. the dehydrated molotov cocktaail has done pretty well in field tests.

Jury Duty

2007-10-08T09:09:00.000-07:00

Alright blogrades,
I recently experienced a tremendous blow to my personal blow to my liberty and pursuit of happiness.
I was summoned for intergalactic jury duty! Ugggghghghghghghggggggwhymenotnowanytimebutnowiwishiknewajudgeorsomeoneimportantwhocouldbailmeoutofthishellhellhellhellhelllllll
So I show up and a public defense attorney from a bad part of the Eagle Nebula (don't believe the hubble telescope, pillars of creation may look gorgeous but that nebula is fucking ghetto. seriously i know this girl who honeymooned there and her and her husband got mugged and some spaceman was dealing supernova remnants cut with robotussin out of the hotel room next to them.)
So yeah I show up and this public defense attorney calls my number and he starts trying to feel me out to see if I'm prejudice against red dwarfs or white giants and I'm trying my best to come across that way you know just regurgitating old stereotypes and slurs I learned from my grandmother. pretty much a lot of 'red giants? they're a lot of cunt chasers with with more TTD's (telepathically transmitted diseases) than a whore's premie' and 'i haven't seen a white dwarf since i stopped buying my home electronics from the back of some wharvie's '86 chevy comet-hopper'.
And how's this for dramatic irony/poetic justice/insert literary device here: they picked me.
Which means please direct all care packages to the Imperial Inn and Suites: Eagle Nebula. Aw fuck this. Crap.
In other news, I am more reved up for revolution than evs.

vintage emo indie

2007-09-27T07:35:00.000-07:00

hey guys,
i don't want to brag because i've started to realize the purpose of blogs is not (as I originally imagined) to organize and resist false idols of power, but instead to complain about coworkers that are sitting right next to us and post youtube videos.
but today is different.
it's not one of those humdrum blogging to take the edge off of loneliness. no sir. ive got news. more than that ive got good news.
im gonna be a model!!!
a popular seller on galaxebay has enlisted me to model their unique 'vintage emo indie' style. who would have thought that this girl, from the wrong side of the cul-de-sac, would be an intergalactically renowned vintage emo indie model?
we had our first vintage emo indie photo shoot. the vintage emo indie photographer was from the lower east nebulae. he showed up late, looked me up and down, threw some vintage emo indie garments at me and started adjusting a tripod he made out of his ex-girlfriend. 'look indifferent. look unaffected. don't look at the camera. look up but don't look optimistic. give yourself a double chin. more chins. i need more chins. this isn't enough chins. you are hopeless. i am going binge starving myself. i'll be back. don't wait here you are worthless.'
it was really fun and glamorous!
just search vintage emo indie and you'll find me!
oh yeah, um, something about starting a revolution. i dunno. my hearts just not in it today.

coin jar

2007-08-09T23:38:00.000-07:00

ive been emptying my pockets of all the petty moon rock change i accumulate in my everyday transactions into a jar. today, a meteor storm prevented my impromptu mini-holiday and i was stuck in the space station, rolling moon rocks. but guess what, i saved up enough to buy a phasetrigger 9000 XFM ball point pen. eeeek!

police navidad

2007-07-19T21:37:00.000-07:00

I anticipate an exhumation of interest in blogging. i got a job! in an office. i mean, it's hard to just move to outerspace and expect to find a job so you take what you can git. hopefully it's a stepping stone towards achieving my dreams of being a stunt double and writing music for video games.
i've missed you.
i know we both come from families that don't express themselves. but i cant help it. ive missed you.
oh and also i have a myspace music page now. its www.myspace.com/sierraneedle
what's your url?

glad tidings and good riddance

2007-05-29T08:57:00.000-07:00

hey guys its been light years.
heres an update:
we had to kick our swarthy seaman from the ship on account of him bootlegging vodka from our entire provision of dehydrated mashed potatoes. also he tried to 'recreate the big bang' [sic] with me the other day after we played space kickball against the russian space station. i miss him and i dont, yknow?

lo mein fuhrer

2007-05-27T16:50:00.000-07:00

heres the chorus from the first space shanty!

'fore today yon 'laxies be a drunk man's dream
'fore today yon stars be a midwife's tale
left my girl for a celestial body
'tis a nebulous thing, 'tis a nebulous thing

devil be good to a light year tripper
devil be good to an astroswine
left my girl to chase the comet's tail
'tis a nebulous thing, 'tis a nebulous thing

sometimes i wonder if my blog is my outlet for everything i can't tell my mah-johngg circle.

blogling hunnies

2007-05-15T14:23:00.000-07:00

dearest blogsaders,
i invited the saltiest oceanaut aboard our ship to regale us with tales from the helm and serve us freeze-dried pineapple upside down cake. Everyone loves him. He says that the sound of the solar waves lapping up against our impact-resistant windows reminds him of life at sea. he tried to pry open the cargo bay doors to get "a whiffa that sea breeze". when i tried to stop him, he stuck his peg leg in a lot of expensive equipment. he's paying me for the damages in shanties. i think i'll compile the first compendium of space shanties. don't forget to resist the hegemon!

queefstipated

2007-04-08T09:18:00.000-07:00

comrades and quasars,
my shipmates have staged a mutiny to protest my de facto authority. don't they understand? successful communism is dependent upon a personality cult! what's cuba without castro? what's china without mao? what's myspace without murdoch? in other news, i invented space dance.

who ordered the deus ex machina?

2007-03-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

i had my blog fumigated for spam bots. and yes, i f-ed the exterminator like some sort of tacky low budget titty flick. so stop asking. call me a seventh day hedonist but i leave no trope of pornography unturned.
so big news. today I found out I’m a space-time worm. so I went online to find out how this changes things. turns out it changes everything metaphysically, but nothing reeeally.
did you hear, lisa frank is going to illustrate the diary of anne frank!

notice of hiatus

2007-03-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

i've been spammed. i'm going to retreat to a fallout shelter until the situation up here clears up. i'm sorry. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this. but that spambot pushed me to my limits, what with impersonating my dead sister, etc. i love you all dearly. if you see an opportunity for revolution during my subterranean hiatus, don't hesitate to start without me.

hoop 'n stick: back with a vengeance

2007-03-20T21:49:00.000-07:00

bad news blogrades. as i was enthusiastically running laps around the sleeping quarters with my brand new hoop 'n stick I managed to tangle my leg up in the hoop of the hoop 'n stick and, in a fit of arrogance and unaware of my dangerously entwined appendage, started to grapevine toward the galley, resulting in the fracture of my tibia. the captain started making 'told you so' faces at me and i got pissed so i told everyone how he had a wet dream in the hypersleep chamber. so he started crying and i told him i was sorry then i took it back because he wasnt thankful enough for the apology. wow this day got bad fats. fast. ha ha that comical mispelling just made it a little better.

hoop 'n stick

2007-03-20T21:36:00.000-07:00

big news blogrades. since we don't have a tv on the space shuttle I had ground control ship me a hoop 'n stick. I can't stop playing with it!

that's sort of what it looks like except that i painted it black and superglued metal spikes to it. I'm saving up for a ball 'n cup.
how come sometimes your burps smell like farts but your farts never smell like burps?

2007-03-19T17:03:00.000-07:00

i just found out that my blogger profile has only been viewed three times. i made sure to sign out and view it seven more times so im at least double digits. its really addicting i might do it a few more times. now. then a few more before i go to bed.

JAKEYYYYYYY

2007-03-19T09:14:00.000-07:00

I thought I saw jakeys ghost last night but it was just an escaped convict masturbating outside my window. phew!

abortion is just preemptive euthanasia

2007-03-18T21:50:00.000-07:00

I promised myself when I got this blog I wouldn't be that guy that only posts apologies and excuses for not posting. but I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. my parakeet died. jakey. It hit me pretty hard. I thought I was impervious to pathos until this fucking parakeet comes along and gets right under my skin and won't leave even after my better sensibilities begged him to. everyday i wake up and i listen to a tape of 'the seven habits of highly effective people' backwards and it sounds like robots telling me to kill myself. jakey if your soul has entered the blogosphere, as i assume it will, chirp three times, in that cute little way you used to when i was force feeding you drugs cause my parents were out of town and i wanted to impress the popular kids with my reckless abandon. Well, I've got to be on my way, I'm knee deep in a queer read of the Epic of Gilgamesh. fuck fuck, I always promised myself I wouldn't be the kind of person that ends every blog with some mediocre justification of their departure. FUCK FUCK FUK CRAP CRAP JAKEEEEEYYYYYYY crap shit. here's a picture of the mausoleum i erected for jakey. you cant tell in the picture but it has a jet propulsion system and is currently orbiting saturn.

lady fortune is a cruel mistress

2007-03-12T09:30:00.000-07:00

goddamn you blogspot. i know your sabotage stems from jealousy. but it doesn't make it any easier.

apologies

2007-03-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

i'd like to respond to the public outcry at my prolonged absence. where i was 'at' as the colloquialism goes, was on the roof of the space shuttle, spatula in hand, trying to unstick a thick layer of space toads that had suctioned themselved to our antenna as we flew threw the Templetark asteroid belt on what the captain promised would be "a failsafe detour." When I got up there, I found that these unsolicited hitchhikers had broken our antenna and were using the eletrical sparks to fashion an impromptu grill for what appeared to be some sort of tailgate party. Nasa overnighted us a new antenna. As a testament of my deepest apologies, i offer you an ascii self-portrait. you're welcome.

mmmmmmmm mmmmmmmmm

w w w w w w w w
0000 0000
0 0 0 0
0 0 0 0
0880 0880
0880 0880
0000 0000

l
l
l
L

MMMMM
M M
M M

I leave it up to Lady Fortune and blogspot to format my art in accordance with my aesthetic intent.

Greetings Blogrades

2007-03-11T18:41:00.000-07:00

Dearest Blogrades,
The revolution is progressing slower than I thought. I would say I'm disappointed in you, but I learned not to in a seminar about positive parenting. Instead, I want to tell you I love the frequent comments, I think you've all given yourselves to apathy like unwilling brides in a prearranged marriage, and I love the frequent comments. It's called a compliment sandwich. Dr. Michael Veinschfelter, Ph.D says it is the nutrient upon which proactive children feed. Well, Dr. Michael Veinschfelter, how about this, I loved the graphic design in your powerpoints, your seminar was a waste of my hard earned inheritance, I loved it when you left the stage. I'm sorry. This is uncalled for. This is the post-partum depression talking. Remember to overthrow the establishment!

urgent

2007-03-08T08:57:00.001-08:00

LOL is the new QED. Act Accordingly.

Boyz II Menses

2007-03-08T08:51:00.000-08:00

I'm just saying. Let's start a band.

addendum to an addendum: twice the flava, thrice the funk

2007-03-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

To Do
-dust the teletransporter
-densify cryogenic propellant
-cancel subscription to hubba hubba space telescope magazine (they don't deliver to outerspace, what's that about?)
-feed the space monkey dehydrated bananas
-apologize to admiral houston for telling him he wouldn't know a space-time worm if it jumped out of his dogs shit and slapped him across the face (i know terrible right? i was so drunk. high gravity olde english. its my guilty pleasure)
-infiltrate feeble internet community and coerce members into helping me subvert institutions and thwart bourgeois apologists
-shave

addendum

2007-03-07T08:08:00.000-08:00

i don’t know if I made this clear in my first two posts, but I’m currently orbiting the earth on a highly covert, privately funded mission of abject proportions. So if I talk about space or astrophysics its not a metaphor. I’m orbiting the earth, remember? I just don't want to confuse the literal with the metaphorical because that's how religious fundamentalism is born. also it’s awesomer to be in space than it is to talk about being in space while being on earth.

2007-03-06T18:29:00.000-08:00

Whoops. Disregard that last post. I meant to say in order to chat n’ stuff. Pretend like I did.

FIRST POST !!!

2007-03-06T18:28:00.000-08:00

Greetings Blogosphere. I, Sierra Needle, have decided to join your intimate and tight-knit community in order to insert my unique ideology into your collective subconscious and indoctrinate a future generation of Trotskyists.